The battle continues, People.
The battle within. I need to resolve this conflict before it’s too late. That goes for me and the world. I probably have more input on the home front than the global stage.
And believe me, I’m sick of myself going on about it. There’s plenty of things that have changed for me and my life but there’s a deep wiring that hasn’t. I’m not even afraid of cutting the wrong wire at this point. The most it could detonate is a lifetime of welled up tears.
Might be time to drain that well and fill it with some cement. Ground it.
I think what really comes up with me now is the reality that no one is coming to help. This feels like it’s happening on a political level, which is too terrifying to take in all the time, but also on a personal level.
You reach a certain age, usually pretty young, when you realize your parents are just people and they aren’t going to help after a certain point, if they did at all, really. So, it’s on you. And there’s some part of my brain, emotionally, that’s pretty stifled. I assume that’s where a lot of my anxiety comes from. Since my parents were relatively bad at their jobs I just put a chaos generator in place in my head that assumes that everything is going to be bad and I’m bad and the world is bad and I learned to live with that. Other people could always make it okay in passing. Some things work out which makes it okay. The generator and wiring runs deep though. I need to rip it out.
Again, I’m tired of talking about this, living in it, not fixing it. It’s embarrassing. If I had kids I’m not even sure they would help. See, even my imaginary kids are shitty.
The bottom line is no one can come to save you but you or maybe Jesus I’m told. I can’t do that. My brain can’t suspend disbelief that deeply. I get it though. Christianity is a shame racket. As is consumerism. If everyone felt good about themselves no one would kick in for the church or buy things they don’t need. I know that.
Truth is, people will show up for you if you let them and on a good day I can show up for myself.
I’m not as dramatic as I used to be but I have flare ups. Kit and I went to a screening of the new 70mm print of the director’s cut of Close Encounters of the Third Kind. We were excited. I was happy I got the tickets. We get there and I pull up the tickets up on my phone and I had only bought one. A grown up would’ve just admitted the mistake and dealt with it. I chose to lose my shit entirely. I went to the box office and tried dropping my name but it was sold out. I was consumed with anger at myself. I knew I disappointed Kit. I melted down a bit. Mad at me and then mad at her because I knew I embarrassed her with my anger and my dumb old guy mistake.
Then some fan walked up to me and sensed my anger. He said, ‘Don’t you get VIP treatment?’ I said not only do I not get it but I fucked up and only bought one ticket. Kit was pissed that I snapped and was walking away. I asked if she wanted to do standby so we got on the line. There were only a few of us including that fan and someone he was with. It was such a bummer. We got there early to get good seats and it was all a bust. Then some guy came up to the line and said he had one ticket if anyone needed it. I said, ‘Oh, god, please, yes.’ But I was behind the guy who was my fan. Kit says, ‘They were first.’ I was like, okay, sorry. Then the guy said we could have it. I said, no, that’s not right. He insisted. So, we took it.
The guy with the ticket and the fan came to help. Saved me from a fight with myself and probably with Kit. It’s small potatoes and I wouldn’t say I was open to the universe and that’s why it happened. I was just glad it did. I’m grateful to those two people.
I had already lost my shit and there was some regrouping necessary.
Kit said sometimes dating me is like dating a Tim Robinson character. That cut through. I apologized for the scene and for snapping at her. We had a nice night.
I do feel like I owed that fan some gesture of gratitude but maybe I’ve given him a lot already. I don’t know. He saved my ass from me.
Today I talk to Ben Stiller again. On Friday I talk to audio artist and film restorer Peter Conheim. Great talks.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
