Nice days, Folks.
I have to say, when the weather is good in LA, it’s beautiful.
I guess life is simple if you let it be. That maybe just appreciating a day and taking a walk is enough. Like, that’s life. I’m not sure why I expect more out of it. What part of me thinks there’s got to be something else to it? Like I’m going to be given some big answer that makes it all make sense and feel good.
I guess that’s the essence of a spiritual search that I am decidedly not on. I accept the ambiguity and the deep sense of mild disappointment. If I could change that feeling into endless curiosity, wonder and excitement, maybe I would be a spiritually grounded person.
What makes me feel good is fleeting and just a way to stay away from the fear of… most things. Those fears have been with me for as long as I can remember. I’ve gotten used to rationalizing them and taking contrary action to counter them.
I figured out a revealing thing about me from my cat, Charlie. I always kind of knew it. I’ve been giving him this small amount of Prozac to treat his aggression and separation anxiety. I don’t like it because he doesn’t seem himself. More precisely, he doesn’t seem to really need my attention anymore. A little bit more serotonin and he’s good. No need for a fake mommy, no need to constantly get attention. He didn’t really have a mom for very long.
I’m upset because he’s not meeting my needs by wanting my attention constantly. It’s a real heartbreaker. I guess I can get him back to some version of that by taking him off the meds but he was starting to attack the other cats and me a bit. We’ll see.
But all those unmet needs early on in his life created a being that was just those needs. I can relate.
Lately I’ve shut down a lot. I’ve tried to accept those needs will never be met, which they won't, but I have to get that heart out in the world so it can see the light. Appreciate a walk, let it be enough.
I think that’s been the entire purpose and arc of my comedy. Trying to peel away the layers while people laugh at me. Surviving embarrassment. To get that heart out in the world.
I have to put down the shield. I don’t know how I will make myself feel good but I do it a bit here and there. I have to let go of what I think other people expect out of me and stop trying to meet those projected expectations. I have to let go of a lot of things that bring me relief mentally or occupy my mind constantly. I have to let go of thinking I should be like someone else, anyone else.
I’m not sure who I’m writing this to or why but it's been on my mind. I think because I had a deep talk with David Harbour and we ended up at a place where the nature of self was questioned and we got to Buddhism somehow.
That will do it every time.
Today I have a wide-ranging, interesting conversation with Peter Weller, actor and art historian. Thursday I talk to comedian Gavin Matts to varying degrees of success. Good week.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live.
Love,
Maron
