The process, People.
The show today is kind of wild for me.
Judd Apatow came over to the garage with a bunch of clips from episodes he loved. I had never heard any of them before. I know that sounds odd but it’s true. Once I record the talk I don’t ever hear it again, generally speaking. My memory of 1600-plus talks is limited to what I remember from when it actually happened. That’s a stretch for me. Especially certain lines and moments. So, this episode was a revelation to me in terms of hearing those moments.
I had a birthday on Saturday. Sixty-two. Crazy. I’m not freaking out. I do feel time pressing down a bit. I’d like to decide more clearly how I want to spend it as opposed to just being immersed in this or that and not realizing it’s flying by. I don’t feel like I waste time but I do feel like I could use it better even if that means doing nothing. I mean a disengaged nothing. During the day Saturday I spent a couple of hours on my porch just being in the day and letting feelings happen. It made me realize why people retire to the beach or the woods. Just sitting there slows down time. If you can get present and be part of the world in that moment - the ebb of the water, the singing of the birds, the motorboat, the leaf blower - it can’t all be peaceful.
I guess I also felt it necessary to check in with some deep panic on my birthday. We went out to eat with friends and I’m not sure if it was just the amount I ate or if something disagreed with me but after dinner I was in profound stomach pain and heartburn. My pulse was racing. I have a pretty high threshold for pain but I rarely, if ever, get that kind of pain. I was trying to ride it out and I got anxious and did some googling. ‘Do heart attack symptoms feel like stomach aches?’
Of course they do. So, then I thought I was having a heart attack. It was very late and I texted Kit that I was having a heart attack. She called, I told her what was going on. She has stomach issues sometimes and said I should just let it pass. I was locked into dying so I didn’t really want to hear that. I thought I should go to the emergency room. She made a very good case that it was probably just a stomach ache but I think I wanted her to make the decision for me. Ultimately through my panic she pulled back on her pep talk and put it back on me to make the decision. I’m exhausting. I got her frustrated and probably worried. I give her credit for putting it in my hands. If she told me not to go and I died after following her instructions, she probably would’ve felt bad. I’m sure she would’ve felt bad either way but you know what I’m saying.
It’s just that I am older. People die. At that moment, I’m thinking I could go to the fancy urgent care I am a member of or I could go to the ER. It was late. If it wasn’t a heart attack the urgent care would’ve just given me some antacid or stomach stuff. The ER could’ve been an all night affair with the same end. I gambled on me living. I went to 7-11 and got Tums and Pepto and obviously I’m here to tell you about it. It did cause some tension with me and Kit and that made me feel shitty but I dodged death. Wait, I dodged the fear of death. Kinda. For a night.
I think that’s going to be a regular thing now. I have freaked out about health at times but now it all seems much more possible.
That’s my birthday realization.
As I said, I talk to Judd Apatow today about his collection of me clips. On Thursday I talk to Mark Flanagan, the booker and proprietor of the Largo night club here in LA. An important part of modern comedy history.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron