Jealousy, Folks.
I think I was born with FOMO. When I was in the maternity ward I was looking over at all the other babies in their cribs thinking, ‘What’s going on in that crib? Seems more exciting than mine.’
Recently, as some of you know, I’ve been shooting my mouth a bit about things I believe. Some of those things have to do with people in my business. I stand by what I said.
What’s interesting is how often the response is, ‘He’s just jealous.’ Or, ‘He’s bitter.’
I’ve heard both of these things before. I think I need to deconstruct my own feelings on this.
I can honestly say I do not want to be anyone else but me. It’s not an easy gig. There’s a lot of ups and downs and I really don’t like the job most of the time but I am committed to it.
I do not want what other people have in terms of lifestyle and/or money. I’m good.
I don’t want other people’s friends, wives (most of the time) or children.
For me resentment is just rooted in how I feel about myself. I don't like myself that much, I’m very hard on myself and I don’t usually think I’m good enough at… anything.
For me jealousy is a core issue.
I think it’s about love and attention and just being able to handle both.
I assume that almost everyone else has an easier time being themselves than I do. Which I rationally know is not true. I do have to tell myself that.
When someone is much more popular than me I do not want to be them but I do not understand why I am not more popular. I’m popular enough. It just makes me feel like I’m difficult to like. Which, I am, sometimes. I mean, I don’t like me most of the time.
It’s the same with bitterness. I did good. I landed on my feet. I am in no way bitter in terms of my life. I would like one big award of some kind. That’s it though.
I know you can’t look for validation outside yourself, but when you get it, it does feel good for a few minutes and you definitely want more of it.
I guess all I'm doing is copping to some core, existential jealousy. Not material, emotional or rooted in bitterness.
It’s just uncomfortable being me and I want to be comfortable being me.
It’s the final piece. I’m trying.
Today I have a great talk with Jamie Lee Curtis and on Thursday my friend Tracy Letts comes by to catch up.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
