Home stretch, Folks!
This is my last week up here in Vancouver.
My last week in this golf-related dream I’ve been involved in. It’s weird but I don’t think I’ll know it really happened until I see the show. I think that’s the nature of creating a reality that is, by its nature, not real. Like a dream.
I’ve learned some things about myself here. Some things I have known for a long time, others are new.
I’m almost 99 percent sure now that I will not read the books I bring along with me when I go out of town, ever. I’ve been doing it for years. I literally brought a whole library of relatively deep books that I have had for years to Vancouver with me. I thought to myself, or should I say, lied to myself, that this trip would be a perfect time to get to them. I guess not unlike having a lot of books at home, it’s nice to take some on a trip to know that they are there, with all their wisdom and information, if I need them. I am comforted by having them around. Like friends you don’t really feel pressure to engage with but it’s nice that they are hanging out.
I also learned that, not unlike the books, whatever big plans I have about what I’m going to do in the city I am visiting might not happen. I don’t know where all the time went. I was going to go on many hikes and bike rides but I ended up going on one. I mean, I got out, saw the city, took some drives, but I had more ambitious plans. So, now I’m left to just beat myself up for not doing enough.
I did take care of myself though. I did the work I came to do. I ate right. Exercised. I was also going home a lot to do my other work.
It does seem that I don’t really have an out-in-the-world adventurous spirit though. I can definitely travel in my mind and part of that traveling is talking myself out of going out in the world. I do, but relative to things I have to do usually. I just get anxiety and I just need to find a routine wherever I go and lock into it to the detriment of broadening my experience.
Now that I’m getting older, part of me thinks I need to go explore the world before it burns up. An end times vacation to see all the exotic places and how they are buckling under climate change.
I don’t know. It’s just when I talked to today's guest, Lupita Nyong’o, who has lived in Kenya, Mexico, and the US, and speaks four languages, I had the deep realization that my world is small and the primary reason for that is my own fear.
I just feel a profound kind of loneliness when I travel places. It’s like I’m untethered and have no home or personality and I’m almost invisible. All things that could be exciting if I just embraced them as opposed to freak out. Same reason I was never great with psychedelic drugs. Just lost my sense of self and panicked. I mean, you don’t want the high point of an adventure just being the fact that you didn’t lose your shit. I guess there are people that seek that kind of adventure but I experience enough of that on a day-to-day level just being me. I don’t need to go far for it. Or leave my house actually.
Looking forward to being home for a bit.
On Thursday I talk to Ali Macofsky. She’s a very funny comic and has opened for me in many places. I had to be careful not to talk too much or remember what we talked about during the hours we spent in the car just so this episode could be great.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
